Difficult People

It's been a long time since I've been able to sit down and blog....

It has been difficult month. Difficult People were all around. 

I have a very high performance job, constantly multi-task and make quick difficult decision. It is stressful at its best and overwhelming at times.  I work in a large company and I'm used to people stabbing me in the back, gossiping and forming alliances as part of their politics. The gossip I try to avoid when it's malicious.  Often it’s a sign of immaturity or someone trying to make themselves look good to everyone around. 

Do you ever wonder how an encounter with some one can spin out of control so quickly? I am always amazed by how quickly it happens and always there is gossip in the mix.  I begin to doubt my own perceptions.   

I feel thrown totally off balance by these people who are playing games.  I actually wondered if I am crazy, but no I'm a nice person.  Right?  See how my psych has been knocked off kilter? 

Fact is manipulation comes in many forms: There are whiners. There are bullies, those who are Passive Aggressive. There are the unreasonable. Not to forget the highly judgmental - Or the out-and-out sociopath. But they often have one thing in common: They provoke, and then make you feel you have no reason to react—and it's your fault entirely to begin with!  This is when you find yourself sitting there trying to understand what just happened…..

Now I’m feeling deeply discounted, and powerless, while having to abandon the original aim of an interaction is a distressing sign you're dealing with a difficult person. No, it's not you. It's them. And it's the emotional equivalent of being run over by a truck. 

So here I am after a few weeks of this behavior.  Why can’t I brush it off?

I can’t brush it off because I didn’t confront it.  I was so focused on the job that needed to get done, and chose to move forward.  Now I’m angry.  This is the third time in a year that this person has worried that some oversight in my activity, a failure to answer an email with a compliment for her, invite her to my meeting or and praise the fact that she did her job was personal.  I have found myself having to defend that it wasn’t about them – as if the activity of my function would be about them. 

First “she said you said”, then “I feel a distance between us”, and “you never compliment me enough.”  Strange because it’s hard to compliment someone who is busy complimenting them and the compliments I give are never enough. 

This behavior is passive aggressive.  Get this one…“You are so amazing at what you do and I know your boss is so proud of you, but I often find it difficult to understand exactly what you need from me.”  Seriously, what am I to do with that?

First, if my boss were proud of me, he would tell me and he does when I go beyond the daily requirements of my job.  I don’t need her to tell me what my boss thinks.    Secondly, what does me being amazing have to do with her finding it difficult to know what I need from her have to do with each other.  Seriously, I don’t need much from her.  When I do I call and ask for help, and I say thank you graciously, BECAUSE I APPRECIATE IT!!!!

But I learned a long time ago that people at work are not always your friends...I can't be responsibility for making sure my co workers get everything they need emotionally. 

Another one was… When I came to your office I expected everything to be a mess, I was pleasantly surprised to find things were in order.  WAS THAT A COMPLIMENT?  Because it didn’t feel like one! 

How about this one, "You made choices to promote someone and it didn't work out so I'm not sure that you are clear in your thinking..."  This is after the person she recommended that I hire and bragged about has just been fired as well!  Hello....

But here was my favorite:  "_______ said they thought you said that you could do what you wanted an my opinion didn't matter"  Honestly I don't think I ever said any such thing....  After racking my brain I'm sure I ever did.  Later she came to my office and said, "Don't tell _______ what I said, I don't want to stir up trouble."  In my head I thought, Then why did you say it? 

Two days of backward compliments and jabs that are wrapped in sugar and my head is spinning.  I feel powerless, wrongly attacked an I’m going to need to work on this and next time so I’ll be prepared. 

I know next time they come to visit, I'll take a vacation :))